My mind is stuck in an endless feedback loop. I am stuck. I have this idea, this desire and even though I know it is likely a bad idea I want to give it a fair chance. I don’t see any real harm in trying it out. But, I have just been warned there is no point in trying.

My experience with drinking is either all or nothing. I have never really tried to control my intake. Once I have had a glass or two of wine I’ve always just caved in and let the party begin (and end horribly). I want to take a couple weeks and see if it is possible for me to have a glass of wine and just stop. Can I drink and not need to go for drunk?

My drinking has never had thought involved. It’s always been grab and guzzle. It would be nice to remove the wonder of the possibility of being a normal drinker. If I can’t stop at 1-2 glasses then, mystery solved. I have to completely abstain. If I can stop getting drunk (always) if I can control myself by being attentive and determined, then maybe an occasional drink would be possible.

I already know my dear AA friends are horrified. The answer is a swift “NO”. When my kids were young I thought that was the best practice as well. So, I stuck with that way of life. I was sober for 14 years. Now that I am  getting back to my sobriety, after a few relapses, I am wondering if it wouldn’t be a good time to test out my wonder of being a controlled drinker … if it is a possibility.

I am sure it sounds like a bad idea. But, I am talking about trying it out and if my little experiment fails then that is my answer. It won’t take long to know the results… I am fairly certain that if I cannot control myself it will manifest itself early on.

So far I can’t think of any reason not to try except for the frightening warnings of AA peeps. That is no longer enough of a reason.

I am not sure if I will actually go through with my little experiment. But, I am not so sure I won’t either. Being judged by others is something I worry about, but that too isn’t really motivation.

Fear shouldn’t have to make the decision for me either. I want my choice to be completely sober or not to be a rational choice, like my first time with sobriety.

There is nothing too wise or interesting about these musings… I know the warnings and can hear the silent screams of people saying not to do it. So, it will be a wait and see. If life presents itself with a situation I might accept the challenge. It very well may become a regret. A regret that will at least quite the constant chatter in my mind that I can or can’t be a social, controlled drinker.

Maybe it’s not that bad of an idea?


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