Crap. Woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Everyone suffers. 4:00 AM with a mind that is running over every topic from yesterday and a few lingering ones that are always hanging around.

Naturally they are all negative. Bummer. I am grumpy and not in the dam “gratitude” frame of mind… don’t even feel like making an effort to go there. Too dam grouchy.

One of the things my mind is chewing on is the thought that there is no way an AA meeting is or can be the only solution for alcoholism. If you attend enough meetings this is the message. A meeting does not cure other diseases why is this one so unique that a meeting is the only “fix”. Bull shit.

Maybe it’s just that  I am  always looking for some justification to not attend meetings or AA has got it wrong. Sure, there are other things like reading, sponsors, steps, etc… but the key is the meetings. I don’t like the key. I think there is more than one door a person can walk though… might actually need to, to reach sobriety.

OK AA peeps, come and get me.

Following every rule or good advice. Sometimes it’s ok to stray a bit. Not every rule is the best rule. Many are just stupid. I know I am a member of society and by default have to abide by society’s rules… but, for example I think something as small as “jay walking” should be acceptable. If it does not disrupt traffic and it’s a safe spot let the individual make that choice. Good grief, it does not call for a ticket. Sure some people do it stupidly but if a  law is made for every stupid decision we would be completely shackled down. I do not believe stupid should be determined by litigation.

Salt. How many times does this have to come up in health care and the media? Hush up already. Everyone knows about it. It’s not a secret. I’ve heard about it for no less than 40 years. I cannot believe it is being presented as a revelation. Eat salt or don’t eat salt… leave people alone to make their decision what to put on their food. Back off.

The horrible incident with the toddler falling into the gorilla enclosure. It is horrific. What the hell is up with people attacking the mother with such hatred? People who have NO idea what happened. It made me think people are far more cruel and hateful than I knew. How sad for the world. How dam sad.

Then, on top of all these ranting thoughts my mind is occupied daily with knowing my son is graduating from High School. I should be so happy. But I am a mess. I want to hold onto him and keep him home. Strip him of his independence and make him young again. I want my son back. He is a man. He is acting like a man. Not making totally mature decisions, but he does not need me for survival. It is time for me to let go. I can’t believe he is off to college next year. My boy. My young man. I am a dam mess.

I will end the ranting here. Yes there is more, but it is equally mundane.

I just feel like my mind cannot grasp what is going on– or I just don’t want to believe the crap that is keeping me up at night.



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