Today when I was experiencing cravings for a glass of Champagne (of course I told myself it would be but one glass) the only reason I could stop myself was to make a plan to have it tomorrow.
The prospect and excitement that I could drink tomorrow was intoxicating. I was not looking forward to spending another day in some life affirming way with family or friends, reading or even shopping or work– something. I just kept thinking about the drink of tomorrow.
Currently I am thinking more clearly and have abandoned my plan. In hindsight it was a classic alcoholic insane situation.
I imagine that the majority of us miss the idea that we can drink with others in a dignified manner, I know I do. Thing is I have no idea when the last time was that I could socially drink without becoming smashed. I am sure there was a time. There had to have been. Since it has been so long ago that I cannot even recall the era I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not nostalgia to drink socially that I miss, I miss being drunk.
So my plan was really to get drunk tomorrow. I veiled it to look like a simple single glass of champagne, but the hidden agenda was to get bombed. Now I am left with asking myself what had triggered this whole chain of events. What was the stimulus that ignited the urge. Was it just a normal alcoholic moment plain and simple, was it anger or depression, hunger or thirst… what?
It was guilt.
I did something I was not proud of, I took advantage of a friend. It caused me to feel badly and I that feeling wanted to stop. Pesty feelings.
If only I had stopped and tried to figure out why I was desiring a drink instead of planning for tomorrow the entire scenario could have been resolved at that time. I was still in a place where I could go back and repair the situation with my friend, I could have taken care of the guilt. But, at least I can make a plan today to amend my tomorrow.
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